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Hi Friend,
Before getting into the newsletter today, just a quick note that this being the first Monday of the month, my personal update comes at the end, so stay tuned for that. Some happy news to report.
I have written pretty frequently about parenting over the years, but today I want to talk about grandparenting, a source of unalloyed happiness for nearly everyone who experiences it.
Having your own children is scary and complicated, because a lot of change and sacrifice are involved. Having grandchildren, though, feels like no sacrifice at all. This is largely due to responsibility: The olds get to cherry-pick the good moments more than Mom and Dad. As a grandparent, you can indulge the kids with candy and then send them home to have a sugar-fueled meltdown. But the difference is also age-related: In your 50s or 60s, you still have plenty of energy, but are calmer than when you're in your 30s, and that makes everything easier. The one less likely to have a meltdown is you.
********************* What the science says *********************
There’s good social science research on this topic. Scholars have identified at least five basic types of grandparents: formal, fun-seeker, reserved, surrogate parent, and wise.
************ What I think ************
Personally, I want to be in the second category, like my own maternal grandfather, Arthur Hansen, for whom I am named—or, as I knew him, “Bedstefar,” the Danish word for grandfather, thanks to his heritage and first language. He was born in 1903 (which was about the last time that Arthur was a popular name).
Here’s an example of his fun-seeker nature: He had a large, custom-made bumper sticker that read Be Alert! The World Needs More Lerts! (He came up with the line himself and had it custom-printed for his Buick.) He also always insisted that I play croquet with him out in the backyard; he always won, with ruthless efficiency and laughing uproariously. (By fun-seeker, I mean fun for him.)
*************** What you can do ***************
* Be there. Most grandparents seem to believe they have a high-quality bond with their grandchildren. One 2002 study from Research and Aging found that 57 percent of grandparents rated their relationship as excellent, and 45 percent said they were “very close” to their grandchildren. The most involved grandparents are about two and a half times more likely than the most detached to say the relationship is excellent. Three things predict relationship quality and satisfaction, according to another 2013 study in the Journal of Men’s Studies: contact frequency, participation in activities, and commitment. In other words, just show up. * Don’t Interfere. Research from The Sociological Review in 2007 looked for the behavioral norms of the happiest grandparents and found two commonly cited characteristics: “being there” and “not interfering.” I take this to mean letting my grandchildren run wild, without the slightest hint of discipline. Hey, I’m just following the research here. But I can take the hint that the norm is me “not interfering” with my grandsons' parents, not my grandsons. It is not the job of my son or daughter-in-law to be lax with their child. That’s my job, thank you very much. * Be like Bedstefar. Occasionally, Bedstefar was wise as well as funny. I once asked him why he never let me win, and he became quite serious. “A man who shows weakness in croquet will show weakness in life,” he answered. (I’m just going to let that one pass without exposing it to the research.) While you’re running wild with your grandchildren, go ahead and spread a little wisdom, too.
******************* Want to learn more? *******************
Speaking of wisdom, I had a conversation today with one of the most creative people I know: James Patterson. With more than 200 published books, he has a lot to teach about tapping into creativity—and how it can lead to a happier life. You can listen here ( https://click.convertkit-mail2.com/68un9qnvv4i8h5oq9g3h9upe59okkh9hn7n9z/25h... ).
*************** Personal Update ***************
Two months ago in the personal update, I announced the birth of our third grandson. Well, now we have another grandson, Prince H. No, we don’t have the gestation time of small, fur-bearing mammals in the Brooks family—the two new princes are cousins, not brothers. That makes 4 boys under two and a half years old. Our sons and their wives are in their mid-twenties (when pregnancy can occur from merely sharing a toothbrush), and they say they’re not even close to finished. As the old saying goes, “Raise ‘em Catholic, and they’ll go do Catholic stuff.” (Actually, I made that up.) Anyhoo, bring on the babies.
I’m not sure who is more exhausted here—our son, or his son. As you can see, Prince H was born wearing a toupee.
The new prince has already been baptized and is officially Catholic™. You can see me observing in a very official-looking way, like a health inspector looking over a taco joint. It has been a busy month of November, with 25 public talks all over the country, as well as in Canada and Mexico. Mexico City was especially lovely, where Mrs. B and I collaborated on a series of happiness talks for businesspeople and university students. We also did some interviews with local media, which you can watch here ( https://click.convertkit-mail2.com/68un9qnvv4i8h5oq9g3h9upe59okkh9hn7n9z/qvh... ) if you happen to speak Spanish. When I lecture or do interviews in Spanish, people always act as if I were doing something absolutely amazing, like riding a unicycle while juggling 7 torches. I used to be flattered by that, but then I noticed that this is basically how I treat my one-year-old grandson when he makes it all the way across the room without falling down. “That’s amazing!” people exclaim with theatrical enthusiasm over my ability to do something every bit as well as any six-year-old Mexican child.
Still, I’ve come a long way from when I moved to Barcelona at age 25, speaking not a word of Spanish or Catalan, but determined to win the hand of the lovely future Mrs. B. Her mother, a lifelong language teacher, gave me a stack of very old books to study, which were, in retrospect, a bit outdated and impractical. The first sentences I had to memorize were, “My tailor is rich” and another about, weirdly, Medusa’s head of snakes, noting that it was “unpleasant to see.” I tried to work these phrases casually into conversations with her family, but they came away thinking that I was just an odd foreigner with a wealthy tailor who was really into Greek mythology. Not too long after, when I proposed marriage, I said, “If you marry me, I will be as happy as a rich tailor. If you don’t, my life will be like Medusa’s head.”
Here's Mrs. B and me giving a speech in Mexico. Yes, we actually hold hands on stage, which makes me as happy as a rich tailor.
As a parting gift until next month, here’s a live action shot from a wellness summit in Phoenix last week, where I appeared to be showing the audience my very best zombie impression. With love from my rapidly multiplying family,
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This newsletter is aimed to provide a simple, practical weekly toolkit for everyone to become happier, and includes information from my "How to Build a Life" column published in The Atlantic.
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