Hi ,
Before we jump in to this week’s topic, a few housekeeping items:
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As I mentioned last week, beginning January 5, I’m shaking things up to better serve you on your journey toward a happier life. We are moving to a new cadence: Mondays will bring you my weekly column, followed by an all-new Friday newsletter experience designed to send you into the weekend equipped with the tools you need to thrive. Expect fresh content, a beautiful new design, and a new email address to match this fresh start. Watch this space for more details—big things are coming!
Now for this week’s focus: gifts! In theory, gift getting should be a pleasant affair. It is a true pleasure to receive a kind and thoughtful gift from a person you love. Unfortunately, many presents don’t meet this criteria: They can be guilt-provoking or just useless to the person who receives them. This Christmas season, how can you be better at giving (and getting) gifts?
What the science says
One common problem with gift-giving is a mismatch between desirability and feasibility. Consider a gadget that is useful (high in desirability) but difficult to set up and time-consuming to use (low in feasibility). Researchers have found that givers usually focus on desirability, and receivers are more aware of feasibility.
Another happiness-killing mismatch can occur between the receiver’s initial reaction and their long-term satisfaction. Givers tend to look for reaction-maximizing gifts (which rewards the giver) as opposed to satisfaction-maximizing gifts (which the receiver enjoys over time, out of sight of the giver). Once the giver is not present to see the receiver’s reaction, the receiver might not actually be that excited about socks with her best friend’s face on them.
What I think
In truth, the biggest benefit to most gift giving is to the giver. Generosity is truly a way to buy happiness. As my colleague Michael Norton and his co-authors showed in the journal Science in 2008, although spending money on oneself is weakly related to happiness, spending money on others significantly raises the giver’s well-being.
What you can do
- Lower your expectations. If you are hoping to find a surprise that delights you under the Christmas tree, you will probably be disappointed. Finding a gift that doesn’t destroy value, gives satisfaction, and doesn’t stimulate guilt is a lot to ask for. Go into the holidays assuming that the gifts you give and get won’t be that great, because they probably won’t be. Think of present exchanges as simply a fun pastime, not one where you will get something wonderful.
- Say no to guilt and manipulation. Never, ever give gifts with ulterior motives. And resist the temptation to feel guilty or indebted to a giver.
- Turn receiving into giving. Your reaction to a gift—even one that isn’t great—is your choice, and you can choose to make it into a gift to the giver. You don’t have to lie and tell your aunt that the Christmas-tree cookie jar is just your style, but you can definitely find reasons to like it. Maybe it’s whimsical, or it makes you laugh, or you know she put a lot of thought into it. Tell her so, lavishly, with genuine gratitude.
Want to learn more?
One more way to not be an unpleasant curmudgeon: discover how to get around your holiday blues, and have a happier holiday season, by listening to my latest Office Hours episode here.
Merry Christmas!
Arthur
